Do you lack self esteem, morale, self assurance, self regard, self worth or confidence in yourself? Do you belittle yourself, put yourself down, undervalue yourself or lack pride in yourself or your achievements? Do you feel that others scorn, ridicule, dishonour, denigrate, belittle or do not value you? In any of these cases, I can help you to honour and value yourself, healthily boost your ego, build up your sense of self worth, self respect, dignity, pride, and I can help you to restore your satisfaction in yourself and to admire your achievements.
Actually, there is a bit of a misunderstanding about self esteem. We think of it as if it is something that we have or don’t have, but actually, it is something that we do! Some of us are ‘esteeming’ ourselves and some of us, for whatever reason, are not. My job is to make it ok for you to esteem yourself, to help you to avoid putting yourself down and to help you to feel good about yourself for all the right reasons.
This point of view may be unusual, but learning how to esteem, honour and respect yourself and to recognise your positive points, is a lot easier than trying to build up some mythical sort of ‘steam’ that you are supposed to ‘have’.
But why would we not esteem ourselves? The problems occur when either:
- We don’t like ourselves,
- We don’t think that others like us or we don’t think they are likely to like us, or
- We take criticism too seriously.
Not liking ourselves
We tend to not like ourselves when we feel we have done something wrong and we may be feeling guilty or ashamed. Or it may be that we feel we have let ourselves or someone else down in some way.
Let us be honest: We have all made mistakes. We have all done something that we knew was wrong at some time and we have all failed or disappointed ourselves and others at times and not lived up to our ideals and standards.
What we need to do is to learn from our mistakes, see what we could have done differently and see how we can handle any similar situations much better in the future.
Sometimes when we are trying to do this, our emotions get in the way, making it difficult to see things calmly and clearly. I can help you to detach from these emotions, not in order to let you off the hook, but to help you to see the situation more clearly and to allow your mind to more easily see the solutions.
At least if you are willing to recognise your mistakes, then you are being conscientious and honest with yourself. You are at least not being arrogant and trying to cover up for yourself. If you are clear that you want to learn from any mistakes, and clear them up if it is possible, then you are entitled to forgive yourself. You may not realise this, but it is almost certain that whatever you did was the best that you knew at the time. You did not know any better at the time, so you can forgive yourself.
Once you have been honest with yourself, once you have learned, cleaned up and forgiven yourself, you can feel good about yourself and feel confident that you will handle things far better in the future.
Feeling others don’t or wouldn’t like you
If you are are feeling inadequate, unaccomplished or that you do not know how to handle social situations, I can help there too.
First of all it is good to realise that you were born pure, perfect and innocent and that you were and still are absolutely magnificent and totally loveable. The problem is that not everyone can see you that way.
The problem is that not many people see you for who you really are. Many cannot see beyond their own problems and worries or they are too caught up in their own world and are not really paying attention to who you really are.
Others have low standards for themselves and cannot understand why anyone would have any higher standards for themselves. These people are judging others and yourself by their own poor standards and expecting you to do the same poor things in any situation as they would do themselves. If they think you are dishonest, then that is because they would be dishonest in the same circumstances as well. Or they may think that anyone who has better standards than themselves is stupid, a fool or an idiot for not acting the way they would or for not doing what they would do. You can get on fine without these people’s approval, so long as you can stay clear of them. If you cannot, then recognise that they are the way they are and be careful in your dealings with them. Treat them as if they are in quarantine. Treat them as ‘fair weather friends’. In other words, you can be polite and respectful to them, but stay on your guard.
Fortunately, most of us do not need more than a small handfull or ‘real’ friends to get on well in life. Better still, there are still many more people who, although they may not be close to you, they can see you for who you are and they may want to help you from time to time to make your life better.
For those who can see you for who you are, they will look beyond any surface insecurities or mistakes, and so long as you are doing your best to respect other people and doing the best in your life, then they will see you for the loveable person you really are. Remember, a little baby does not have to do anything at all in order to be loved, at least by those who are capable of loving. Neither do you need to do anything special other than just be true to yourself.
If you happen to feel inadequate or unaccomplished, I am good at helping you to both recognise and accept all your hidden accomplishments and good points. If you are not that good with people, there is a lot I can teach you and coach you with in communicating with and understanding people and in setting up genuine ‘Win-Win’ situations where people will respect you.
Susceptible to criticism
It is always a good idea to listen to feedback and criticism, there may be some valuable points we can use to improve how we get on with other people and to improve our lives. However, we have to be careful to avoid taking anything that is said too personally. Criticism is a dual message. It is feedback about what you are doing or have done, combined with a negative attitude about who you are. One is about your behaviour and is useful. The other is an opinion about your identity and is usually not.
As mentioned above, there may be people criticising you who do not really know who you are or what you are like. They might suspect you of things that they might do, but that you probably would not do. By all means check if you could be doing something either inappropriate, disrespectful or unwise, but otherwise… Stop taking it personally, it is not about you, it is about the reflection of themselves that they are projecting onto you. Beware of judging yourself by other people’s faulty standards.
I can help you to separate out any useful feedback that might be carried with a personal slight. I can also help you to filter out the contagious negative voice tone that people have when they are criticising, so that you can stay calm and centred and keep your feelings protected.
Remember that your own personal life is your own business. Also remember that if you believe in a God, that this God made you as you are, complete with your desires. Therefore, so long as you are respecting other people and not likely to do any harm, then you are entitled to do and think as you like.
There are people who might want to impose their own standards on you and criticise you because you think and feel differently from them. By all means notice if they have a valid point in what they say, but otherwise, I can help you to make your own mind up about what is right for you. You are entitled to have pleasure and satisfaction in the way you want to enjoy them, and you are entitled to share these pleasures with those who will appreciate them. So long as you do no harm, you are entitled to a life of your own.
So, whatever the causes are, I can help you to unravel them. I can help you to forgive yourself, recognise your good points and improve on anything that needs attention.
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I can help you to clear up the damage from years of negative criticism and to help you recognise if you actually are a caring, conscientious person who happens to want to do the right thing.
Most of all, I can make you feel good about yourself and help you to have genuine confidence in yourself.
So if you are thinking “Yes David, I do want to boost my morale and to respect, value, honour, cherish and esteem myself. I do want self esteem, dignity, pride, self assurance, a sense of self worth and confidence in myself.” Then feel free to call me on the number below to discuss what we can do or book an appointment.