The real anger management is when you can resolve the causes of your anger and so you no longer feel the need to be angry… Do you suffer from bad temper, sudden flare ups, road rage, resentment, irritation, problems controlling your anger with your partner, your children, other family members, neighbours, people at work, or other people you know who can be annoying? I can help you to defuse the causes of anger, learn the difference between healthy anger and how it can protect you and inappropriate anger, how it damages you and others, and how to let go of it.
Good and bad anger
Few people realise that anger is a vital protective mechanism, an essential part of your deeply embedded unconscious tool kit. If you never got angry, were never willing to defend yourself and never willing to let people know that you were prepared to defend yourself, then people would just take advantage of you, and if we as humans never got angry, we would simply no longer be here!
The problem is that many of us have suppressed our anger, and the more we suppress it and the more we bottle it up, then the more it is likely to leak out as impatience, irritation or frustration, or to suddenly spill out in unexpected ways such as rants, emotional outbursts, outrageous behaviour, or road rage. In more extreme situations, we start seeing red, and before the red mist comes down, we need to be able to defuse the situation, calm down or if possible, walk away from the situation.
Unfortunately in our society, we have been taught that being angry is a ‘bad thing’. We were taught that “It’s not good to be angry” and “Angry people are bad people.” This is very well meaning, but it suppresses this vital human instinct. Being taught how to share our toys without fighting when we were little, was a good thing. But being taught that we should never raise our voices, never object or never defend what we value, what we believe to be ours, or what we believe to be right, is a ‘Bad thing!’ A proper anger management course will teach you how to enforce your boundaries in a respectful, yet firm way.
Before and after the event
The real purpose of anger is to protect you from other people mistreating you. You can only do this effectively if you are willing to warn them ahead of time, that you will not put up with bad behaviour. This does not mean you have to scream at anyone who might possibly not treat you with respect, but it does mean you have to be willing to let people know that you are not a pushover and that you expect people to respect your standards. This can sometimes be done just with a look or with a quiet, calm, yet firm word. When you do this, your anger expresses itself as assertiveness, a strong clarity and determination and an expression that you enforce your boundaries. It only needs to switch on if someone seems to be trying it on, and it naturally starts off calmly and only intensifies if the person does not seem to be getting the message.
However, because most of have been trained out of being assertive in this way, because we think it is rude to be angry, especially before the event, then we end up letting people disrespect us. It sometimes even looks as if we are inviting them to take advantage of us and to treat us badly. So when they actually do these things, we are enraged, not only at them, but unconsciously also at ourselves for letting them get away with it! It is this anger at ourselves, after the event, that is often the most difficult to deal with. I can help you to deal with this too.
Even if you have given someone fair warning they might still offend you. You know that if you lose your temper, then the other person can easily take advantage of it. Even though you are entitled to justice, if you want revenge, it could sap your energy and cloud your mind. Instead of losing it, I can give you strategies to stay calm in virtually any situation. Instead of resentment, you can have calm and contentment.
Understanding and avoiding being angry
Many of us get angry when we cannot get what we want. To avoid this, we need to learn how to communicate in the most effective ways with other people. We need to be able to understand them and to help them to understand us. We need to understand their fears and needs and reassure them that we want the best for them and we need to be able to reassure people that we respect them and that it is safe for them to help us and to cooperate with us. In other words, we need to be able to set up the best possible ‘Win-Win’ situations with other people.
This is especially important with close friends, in a relationship or with family members, particularly with your own children. The more you can back off, stay calm and look at the situation from a detached point of view, then the more you can see the wood for the trees. You can even learn to put yourself in the other person’s place more realistically, so you can see the situation from their point of view and understand where they are coming from. Especially if they are having a bad hair day, then this helps you to help them to understand you and your needs- And at the same time you can help them to understand that you appreciate their needs.
In fact, the more harmony you can create with other people, the more they are likely to want to help you to get what you want. You probably know that you like to help other people from time to time, just because it feels good to do so. Remember that most other people feel the same way too.
However, at the end of the day, if someone is not willing to cooperate with you, if they do not want the best for you, then it has to be “win-win or No deal!” If it is someone who simply does not respect you, then you may need to let go of them and carefully and respectfully remove them from your life. Sometimes this may mean walking away from what you thought was a wonderful opportunity, but if it comes at too great a cost then you are better off to look elsewhere.
If you cannot easily remove them (neighbours, close family members or work colleagues) then you need to do damage limitation. True anger management will teach you how to protect yourself, respectfully enforce your boundaries, keep your distance and have as little to do with them as possible. Most importantly, you need to be able to avoid taking things personally and learn how to ‘suffer fools gladly’.
Tuning your intuition
One reason you might feel angry after an event is if you missed a warning sign or overrode your gut feeling.
It may be that your intuition was trying to warn you about something, but you brushed it under the carpet. Maybe you did not check a situation carefully enough before getting into it. Maybe someone was offering you something you really wanted and you did not want to be put off by warning signs. Maybe you were being too generous and giving someone the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you expected someone else to treat you with the respect that you treat others and you were surprised when you found that they did not share your standards. Maybe someone told you “Don’t judge a book by its cover” and you trusted someone despite obvious signs of danger. I usually suggest that if a book has Steven King’s name on the cover, then it probably does not have a Teletubbies story inside.
If someone has obvious or even subtle signs of being untrustworthy, then do not say “Oh, they would never do that.” or “Oh, it’ll be alright.” Chances are it will not be alright and then you will end up not only being angry at the other person, but also at yourself for letting it happen.
I can help you to trust your intuition and your gut feelings and to clear any left over anger from when you left yourself vulnerable. In fact, once you have learned from the experience and you realise what you could have done differently, the angry feelings often evaporate, leaving only a calm resolve to prevent anything similar from happening in future.
Anger management courses
I can offer group anger management courses to companies and organisations and these can be very effective where there is not any one person with too serious a problem.
For private clients, or anyone whose anger is getting out of control or causing them problems, then I recommend an individual anger management course. This not only means that you can get to see someone quickly, instead of waiting for a group course, It also means that your session will be geared to your individual needs and therefore get you the results you want more quickly, therefore also keeping costs down.
In either a group or individual course, I can teach you:
- How to be in control of your own mind, moods and emotions
- How to defuse road rage
- How to deal with unreasonable people
- How to deal with negative emotions
- How to prevent, de-fuse and overcome stress
- How to detach from and rise above problems
- How to see things more calmly and objectively
- How and why your mind creates feelings and moods and what to do about it
- How to understand other people, why they do what they do
and why they are how they are and
- How to see things from the other person’s point of view
and know how to put your own point of view across more effectively
and how to anticipate how they will respond to you
- Seeing and setting up the best possible ‘Win-Win’ situation,
and the importance of ‘Win-Win or No Deal!’
- Why it is so important to be willing to be unreasonable
and how to be unreasonable without being unpleasant
- Five ways to Feel Good
- How to feel resourceful within yourself
- The basis of confidence and
- How to motivate yourself.
Whatever the cause for being angry and whatever your background, so long as you are willing to be honest with yourself and learn from mistakes, I can not only defuse you from what is currently making you angry, but make it so that you can deal with just about any situation calmly, confidently, assertively and yet also respectfully.
If this is what you feel you want or need, then feel free to call me on the number below.